


This Empty Feeling Inside

by Storm_cloud



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Canonical Character Death, Dean Winchester Pines Over Castiel, Empty!Cas - Freeform, F/M, Gay/Pan Cas, It's Explicit just in case I write some gore, Light Angst, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Not planning on smut here, Picks up right after 15x19, Pining, That's right this has a happy ending, We do not acknowledge 15x20 in this house, You get that 15x20?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:26:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27915985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Storm_cloud/pseuds/Storm_cloud
Summary: They defeated Chuck. The world is safe. All their friends are back. Well, almost all of them. Despite everything they’ve managed to do, Dean can’t help but feel a hole in his heart where Cas used to be.15x19 wasn’t the best finale, but it wasn’t the worst either (15x20, anyone?). I think there should have been many more episodes after 15x19 where Dean tries to rescue Cas, or at least is visibly shown mourning his best friend. But since we don’t have that (rolls up my sleeves, grumbling ‘have to do everything myself’) here you go.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel & Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Eileen Leahy & Sam Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 14





	1. A Longing

_It wasn’t fair._

That was all he could think. It was a miracle Dean could think at all, given how much he’d been drinking. Or a curse. No matter how much he drank, it could never be enough to drown out the emotions, the pain, the guilt. It didn’t help that everyone except him seemed to be happy.

Outside his room in the bunker, the rest of the hunters had celebrated, hugged and kissed their loved ones and friends. Thanked the Winchesters. Well, the one Winchester available. Dean was there for a few minutes at most, hugged Eileen and Charlie, then quietly retreated. Sam explained about Cas, and then it became worse. The few times he ventured out for food or more booze, he’d be blasted by an array of piteous gazes directed towards them. Dean wanted none of that. He never met their eyes and stalked back to his room.

Sam tried, but there’s only so much comfort you can offer to a man who wasn’t ready to accept his loss. And so whenever he saw Dean with a six-pack under his arm, or a Men of Letters book on the Empty, he said nothing. When there was suddenly a dog in Dean’s room that he’d named Miracle, that he cuddled and fed scraps off the plate (Sam pretended not to see, but he always knew), he smiled for the one thing that made his brother happy.

When the rest of the hunters started going on cases and Sam resumed his leadership roles, it was like Dean could breathe again. Walk around his own home without being assailed by strangers. He cared for the hunters, but not in the way Sam did. They could never be as close to him as Sam was, as Eileen was, as their Bobby and Charlie had been. As Cas had been. Damn it, he was going to get Cas back if it killed him. He didn’t deserve to go out like that, not after all he’d done for them.

_It wasn’t fair._

So he was going to fight, and research, and everything he could possibly do. He called up Garth, met up with Jody and her girls. Met a psychic who turned out to be a scam artist. Tried to contact Anael (She wouldn’t even come within five feet of him and flipped him off on text). Half the people he talked to hadn’t even heard of the Empty. And every night when he went to sleep, if he wasn’t blackout drunk, always ended up with the same dream.

_“I love you.”_

_“You’re the most selfless, most loving human being I will ever know.”_

_“The one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have.”_

_“I love you.”_

_“You changed me, Dean.”_

_“I love you.”_

_“Goodbye, Dean.”_

_“I love you.”_

And then he would wake in a cold sweat, Miracle would curl up to him, but it wasn’t enough, it never would be enough. Cas never had a chance to be truly happy. The moment he did, he was dragged to a fate worse than death. Worse still, he never got to know how Dean felt. Or maybe he did know, maybe he understood what those longing looks, those thinly veiled jokes, the innuendos had meant. Maybe he’d known all along. That didn’t mean he got to just up and abandon Dean after dropping a bombshell like that. He couldn’t do that.

Hugging Miracle closer to him, holding back the tears that threatened to fall, he instead waited, hoping for something to work out. Something had to go right. Burying his face into the dog’s furry neck, he shut his eyes. And prayed.

Something **had** to work out.

* * *

Nothing worked out.

Dean awoke to a sudden thud. His throbbing headache made it hard to figure out what the hell was going on. As he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, he managed to make out a Sam in front of him, hands on his hips like a disappointed father. The gigantic book on which he was lying and the countless bottles around him led him to the conclusion that he had passed out again, and Sam was the alarm clock.

“Really, man?”

“Really, what?” The words came out of Dean’s throat like he was choking. His mouth was dry like sandpaper, but all the bottles next to him were empty so he got up to get more.

“It’s been three weeks, Dean. You have to talk to me.”

“What’s there to talk about? We saved the world, we got everyone back, hell, our kid’s God now, did you ever see that coming?” he chuckled, opening another bottle.

“Dean.”

“What do you want me to say, Sam? Huh?” He chugged the entirety of the bottle.

“I want you to say **something**!” Sam exploded. “We lost Cas, we lost Jack, who’s now floating off in the cosmos somewhere with the Darkness, and I don’t want to lose you too.”

When Dean looked up from the fridge, his eyes were brimming. “I’ve been trying, Sammy. To save him.”

“We could ask Jack. Pray to him. I know he said he’s hands-off, but I think this is a special case.”

“I did.”

“What?” Sam was confused.

“I prayed to him. He tried, the kid really did. But the Empty apparently told him to fuck off. That it wasn’t interested in any more deals.” Dean stared wistfully at the empty fridge. He really needed more beer.

“Then we rescue him.” Sam’s face was determined.

“You think I don’t want to, Sam? If there was anything we could do, I would-” His throat tightened. “There’s no way into the Empty, and you can’t bring it here unless it’s summoned. And since every angel or demon we know hates us, there’s no way of getting there. It’s hopeless.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Well sorry ain’t gonna help Cas.” He brushed a quick tear on his sleeve. “I need some air. I’m going to take a drive.”

He grabbed his jacket and keys.

“Dean, wait!”

Sam’s protests went unheard as Dean slammed the door on the way out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty similar to the first fic I wrote, but here Dean hasn't confessed to Cas yet. Also the next chapter is a little different :)


	2. A Deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean goes off to drown his sorrows, and meets someone who makes him an offer he can't refuse.

Dean barely remembered reaching the place. All he could recall was getting in the Impala, whizzing past every other car on the highway. At some point he stopped at a gas station to buy a six-pack of beers. And now he was here. Where it all began.

The barn still bore slight signs of their warding. It had been over a decade, but Dean could still remember that night like it was yesterday. Hell, even better than yesterday. How his heart beat like a drum as the lights shattered, as **he** walked in.

“I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.”

 _What a drama queen._ Dean chuckled, and this time let the tears flow.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything, Cas.” He sat on the hood of the car, whispering to himself. “I…I don’t know why I didn’t. I mean, I know, I’ve always known.” His hands gripped a beer bottle, but they were trembling too much to open it.

“And when you needed me to say something, I just stood there like an idiot. Let you be taken. Didn’t even do anything to stop you. You saved me, Cas. You saved the world. And we beat Chuck. Jack is the new God now. I wish you could see him, Cas. I’m proud of our kid.”

His fists clenched and unclenched. The bottle in his hand threatened to shatter from his grip. Instead, he hurled it, watched it smash against the barn wall. He grabbed the rest of the bottles and flung them all into one corner, a puddle of white foam growing beneath a bed of shattered glass. His knees seemed to give way as he collapsed against the Impala, a sob escaping his lips. “I wish you were here.”

He lay his head against the car door, the cool metal tickling his neck. Eyes closed, the memories played back again.

_“The one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have.”_

_“I love you.”_

“Hello Dean.”

His heart skipped a beat. That voice sounded so real, like he was really there. But he’d been dreaming so much that he couldn’t be sure. Dean stood up and right in front of the barn entrance was Cas.

“Cas?” His quivering lips could barely get out the name.

There was only a tired smile in reply, but that was all he needed. He practically ran to the angel and crushed him in a tight hug. If this was real, it sure was a miracle. There was so much he wanted to tell Cas, he needed to tell him. But he couldn’t bring himself to let go.

“You really are desperate, aren’t you?”

Dean recoiled in horror. The voice, it was Cas’s voice, but it was nothing like him. Like an alien being attempting to imitate him. The face, the body, it all looked the same. But that sneer, that disjointed way of moving, that wasn’t Cas. Dean had seen enough of other beings parading in his best friend’s form to tell something was wrong. This wasn’t a dream. It was a nightmare.

“I mean, I heard that prayer. Begging for Castiel to come back. Like a love-sick maiden.” The creature swooned in pretend dismay “ _Oh, Cas!_ ”.

Dean turned and placed his hands on the trunk of the car. Felt the metal. Something to ground him.

“This can’t be real, I’m dreaming.”

“You think so?”

The voice was right in his ear and Dean whirled around, facing the monster wearing Cas’s face, a malicious smile on its face. The hunter froze as Cas gently caressed his face, gripped the soft brown hair. Then slammed his head onto the car.

As Dean toppled to the ground, a shrill ringing in his ears, he could make out “Does that feel real to you?”

He tried to get to his feet, but a swift kick to the face sent him back down. Now the figure of Castiel knelt next to him.

“Dean Winchester. I’ve learned a lot about you, you know. The last time Castiel was with me, he wouldn’t shut up about how the Winchesters needed him. Yammer, yammer, he was so very annoying. But we made a deal, now he’s nice and quiet, and I should have been able to sleep. All before Billie sent that child to me and made everyone loud.” The expression changed from amusement to anger, and Dean knew exactly who he was dealing with.

“You’re the Empty.”

“What a clever boy.” It ruffled a startled Dean’s hair. “No wonder Castiel’s so in love with you.”

The Empty seemed to enjoy Dean’s pained expression. “Don’t be silly, of course I know. I’ve been in Castiel’s head, and I saw you, when I pulled him back as part of our deal. You were gaping like a goldfish.” It giggled.

“How are you here?” Dean was greatly regretting not bringing the angel blade. He had a gun, but what use was that against a cosmic entity?

“How am I here? That is a very intriguing question. Your “Chuck” made things so that I couldn’t enter his little playground, so I wouldn’t break his little toys. He also said that only I held power over the Empty, but as it turns out, he was a big, fat liar. I can only be summoned to this plane. Now how did that happen?” The creature put a finger to its chin, pursing its lips. “I’m sure a smart hunter like you can figure it out.”

Dean only glared, a trail of blood trickling down his face.

“Not that smart, apparently” said the Entity, rolling its eyes. “ **You** did. Your longing, your pining for the angel. It was like a beacon, pointing straight to you. I could have ignored it, of course, but there’s something I want. Something that you can give me.”

“Give back Cas first.”

The Empty threw back its head and laughed. “Look at you, holding none of the cards and still think you call the shots. I could place a finger right here-” it pointed right at Dean’s heart. “-and consume you whole.”

The thing that came out of the finger could not be liquid, and yet it wasn’t solid. Dean had seen it once, on that fateful night, when it snatched Cas and Billie to the Empty. It spread across his chest like thick oil, and the sensation was of emptiness. An endless void. There wasn’t even pain. It was just nothing.

Then it sucked right back into the finger and Dean could breathe again. He couldn't believe that Cas had felt that once, and still made a deal to go back. To save Jack. And now it was all he would be feeling. Forever.

“So, big guy, wanna give that another go?”

“What do you want?”

“That’s the spirit!” The Empty yanked the hunter to his feet by his shirt. “I want to make a deal.”

“With me?”

It shrugged. “You see, I made deals with celestials, but they never seem to work out. The Big G, Billie. They pretend to respect my power, but in the end, they just muck it up and leave. But you, you’re human. You don’t have any idealistic goals, and you’re not powerful enough to disobey me. No, you-” It swayed uncomfortably close to Dean. “You just want to live the rest of your tiny, boring life with your loved ones. I can give you that. All I want is to sleep.”

“What?”

“When Billie sent a live bomb to me, she woke up every angel and demon. Millions of them awake. And they won’t go back to sleep. One angel was bad. All of them? I. Cannot. Sleep. And you will make them. Then, I will release Castiel.”

Dean considered his options. He really didn’t have any. Save Cas, or leave Cas to die. Wasn’t much of a choice. At least now he had a chance to rescue him.

“I’ll do it.”

“Aww, I knew you’d come around. Castiel didn’t think you would make a deal to save him, in fact he was hoping you wouldn’t.” The Empty lit up as if from a new idea. “Why don’t you tell him the good news personally?”

Dean looked on in horror as the Entity gestured to its form of Castiel. “Oh this? This isn’t a fashion choice. I just thought he would be the most appropriate vessel to use. Take this as a gesture of good will.”

The figure of Cas shuddered as the inky liquid slid from his face and disappeared into him.

“Dean?” The voice, the concern, that gentle head-tilt. It could only be him.

“Cas.”

“What am I doing here? How did I-” Comprehension dawned. “Damn it Dean, you made a deal?!”

“You’re one to talk, aren’t you?” Dean’s voice was gruff, but there was no hate. “We’re gonna get you out, Cas.”

“Dean,” the angel said imploringly. “I didn’t want you to make another deal.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t want my best friend dragged to the Empty right after he said he loved me, so.” Cas’s eyes were averted at the mention of the confession.

“Cas, there’s something I need to tell you.” Those blue eyes snapped up, swinging between hope and disappointment. “I should have told you a long time ago. I-” Dean stepped forward, a hand on Cas’s cheek, the words faltering on his lips. “I lov-” The viscous black goo suddenly enveloped the entirety of Castiel, and Dean staggered back.

“Oh, save that for the honeymoon, handsome.” The Empty’s wide-toothed grin was a grotesque caricature of his best friend. “You carry out your part of the deal, and I will let you have this silly little angel, capiche?”

“If you try to betray us-”

“You’ll kill me and everyone I love, yadda yadda.” The Entity cocked an amused head. “Except I can’t be killed and I don’t love anything. So what **can** you do, Dean?”

“I can fuck up your beauty sleep a little more.” Those green eyes were hardened now. “Wouldn’t want another bomb in there, would you?”

The Empty was decided less entertained now. “Work fast, Dean Winchester. The longer they’re awake, the harder it will be to put them back to sleep.” It spun around and disappeared into an inky mass of a portal.

Dean’s head throbbed with pain and his hand shook as he pulled out his phone and called his brother. “Sammy” he said. “I saw Cas. And the Empty. Yep. Yeah.”

“We got work to do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Admittedly, the inspiration for this fic came from 'the rhyme of salvation' by LymeandCoconut, which, if you haven't read, go do it now! It's very well-written and their ideas are so great.  
> I read about Dean rescuing Cas from the Empty, and I realized that I wanted to see Empty!Cas meet Dean. I'm sure there are more fics like that, but I wanted to write this so much!  
> I honestly don't have a great plan beyond this encounter, but I do plan to finish this one(don't we always?). The next chapter might take a while though.


End file.
